True love. Something every 12 and something year old girl dreams about. Being a fairytale princess, rescued by her prince charming, knight in shining armor or even the bandit on the black beauty. That feeling you have deep down in your heart, the true belief that this kind of love must exist. That this kind of love surely is the only kind of love.
“You are worth, more than you will ever know. And I love you in ways, your crumbling heart could never fathom. Come to me in pieces, and exist inside me. Whole”.
— Christopher Poindexter
Then life happens and you feel like nothing could be less true. You get your first boyfriend, who isn’t as nice and charming as the princes were you always dreamed of. You get other boyfriends, some leave within a few weeks, others stick around for a while. You go out, meet more boys who aren’t exactly prince charming and for some reason the belief in true love slips away. Bit by bit, bad experiences let it slide to the background, until at some point, you don’t believe in true love anymore. Until the point that the ‘normal relationship’ with someone who’s good to you is ‘good enough’.
I grew up with some traumatising experiences. Those experiences, subconsciously created a deep self loathing and loss of self respect, what decided how I was going to see my role as a woman for the years to come. As a ‘fine piece of meat’ without her own feelings, always happy, fun and never complaining. Because my deep emotions would be just ‘too much’ for any man to handle. If I ever forgot that fact, someone would always be so kind to remind me. Until that point, no one had ever been able to understand me, including myself, let stand a 17 year old boy with nothing than sex on his mind…
I learned at a young age that it’s a normal thing that men just ‘take what they want’, even if you don’t want it. This ended up in cheating boyfriends, who treated me like I was unworthy of their attention and told me more than once how beautiful their exes were compared to me. It made me feel more than horrible, but somehow I always ended up in the same kind of destructive relationship. Unable to be myself and relax. Not aware that my loss of self respect, and that feeling of self loathing, were exactly the things that would get me in those situations.
It was not until I got older, after patching my heart back together several times, that I started to realise that the problem was not in them, but within myself. The fact that I would agree with them saying those horrible things, with them not treating me well, said more about myself than it did about them. It was not until after those experience, the realisation, self evaluation and growth came. This personal growth prepared me for relationships more worthy, though still with many lessons to learn.
But for some reason, I always felt that flame burning in the deepest places of my heart. That flame, lusting for true love. I knew it existed and I simply couldn’t settle for less. I would pour all my love in energy in relationships from which deep inside, I already knew that it was not it. I would take a break from all men only so that after that, I could fall head over heels in love with the wrong person, once more.
It was not until I became aware of myself, my lessons and my past relationships, that I realised what it was that I needed, what I craved for. It was then, that I found that lost flame of true love in the deep corners of my heart. That’s when I decided that I wouldn’t settle for less ever again. With that realisation in mind, I made better choices. My heart, made better choices. If it didn’t feel relationship worthy, it would simply be an exciting friendship with benefits; but true, and open. If I would fall in love, I would fall vigorously, but I would fall only for what felt like, and could be true love. Not a ‘work-in-progress’, not a ‘good-enough’ and no ‘potentials’. Something that felt real and true.
All those experiences. All those choices I once made. All those people I got to know, got to grow with, lead me to a love in it’s purest form. The real love I’ve craved for my entire life. I told myself I would not, settle for ‘just happy’, and I ended up getting everything I ever dreamed of, and more.
“It is supposed to hurt, my child. That is why there is water in your eyes, and blood in your veins. If we knew no pain, we wouldn’t have known truth, and truth, my child, is the soul of the universe”.
— Christopher Poindexter
True love exists. A love that reaches deeper than anyone or anything ever has. A love that scares the living shit out of you, but that also makes space and time become relative. The kind of love they talk about in the books, the kind of love you see in the movies. The kind of love you hear in all the fairytales. It might not come as a knight in shining armor, it might not come at a time that is convenient for you. It does need work, effort and dedication. But once you have it, you’ll be forever grateful to yourself, not settling for less.
Never give up on that burning flame of true love.