Insecurity is a mean little monster. It grabs hold of you in ways you’re not even always aware of. That insecurity you’re holding on to so tight, is manifesting itself into different types of drama. Jealousy, envy, narcissism and mostly ends up in less and less self-awareness.
To truly understand what that insecurity is doing to you and your environment, it’s important to know the basics of a so-called thing called ‘drama’.
As children we teach ourselves certain kinds of drama. It might get us more or less attention and it will give us just the thing we want the most at that moment: energy.
- Ever ended up crying and screaming on the floor because mom or dad didn’t want to give you that cookie? Did you stop crying the moment they looked away or enhanced the sound-level the moment they came to hush you?
- Ever walked down to your parents in big fat crocodile tears, stating that you couldn’t sleep, just because you wanted to stay up a bit longer?
Energy is everywhere. The world evolves around it and as long as we can’t find the needed energy within ourselves, we learn to take it from other people to feel better. If you don’t gain enough attention and energy with your natural behavior, you’ll expand your behaviour in a way that will get you that needed energy. You put on a bit of an ‘act’ to create a constant flow of attention, and so energy. Depending on your needs, that created drama can end up being far away from your personality, from your true you. You created your own bespoke drama.
And it works! You WILL get that energy! You WILL feel momentarily better by receiving it! It’s all works so well that it simply becomes something natural!
But you’re forgetting about one thing here… How many people will you push away with your so-called personality? How many people will know the real you? They won’t see it if you don’t show them. People will judge you on all the bits and pieces they do see about you and their response will only motivate you more to keep up your act. Probably even improve it to be more liked. But is that truly how you want to be? Or maybe more important; who you want to be?
You could compare this drama we’re talking about, to something as simple as a Facebook post. The more likes you get, the better you feel about yourself and the more motivated you’ll be to keep on posting. That like is a conformation of you being a fun, caring or popular human being.
But what happens when don’t get that many likes? WHAT?! NO LIKES?!
You will figure out a way to get those likes! If that doesn’t work, you’ll find another thing to post or another way of posting that for sure will receive those likes. You probably even delete the post that didn’t get enough likes, just to make sure no one sees that awful thing no one liked…
Now take a step back and look at your social media personality from an eagles view. Is that person you, or is that person created by the amount of likes?
As a bullied kid my insecurity manifested in the drama of aloofness. Which actually is nothing more than a strange form of self – pity. Being aloof was my mechanism to gain energy, not aware of the fact that this type of energy was the wrong one to attract. I became an uninterested kid in class, I’d always be in a fight with the teachers and in that way; gain energy from them. At the same time this was my defense against the bullies, I pretended to be a ‘cool kid’ that didn’t care about anything. Especially not myself.. I didn’t feel pain, I wasn’t that weak little thing I was a year before. I was better, stronger, cooler. I became an improved version of myself.
But all of this ended up in creating a drama which made me unreachable for the persons that really mattered. My parents couldn’t get through, neither could my few good friends nor possible new friends. They were all just bouncing off that hardened shield I created to keep myself and my energy safe.
A few years further in life I noticed that my aloofness didn’t quite cover it anymore and subconsciously decided that it was time for a new, better, bigger drama to gain that much-needed energy. I started using my ‘being unreachable’ in a way that was more appealing for people. Yet again I became a better and improved version of myself. Yeah, go me!
I used it in a way that made me appear mysterious and interesting. I dared people to take an effort to reach that super-sexy, spontaneous, open flirt of a girl. It was not until they gave all they had to get closer to me, before my aloofness popped up again. Trashing them out like unwanted guests on a party.
You can imagine how this drama creates itself bigger and bigger throughout the years. My shield got that thick that even boyfriends wouldn’t be allowed to simply hold hands on the sofa. I wasn’t a bad person, I would allow them every now and then. But only when I would say that it was okay. Only when I was in control and ready to put up my shield. It ended up with me not contacting my dad when I felt that I really needed him. Or asking help from anyone at all. Because come on Myra, you’re stronger than this, you can handle this yourself, stop being such a wuss.
Still not realising, that I was simply trying to flee from myself, as far away from myself as possible. Pushing people away as they’d never be able to accept what I knew was deep inside of me. The real me.
As I said before this drama can come in many forms and can take over control of your life. You might be overly close to people to mask the fact that you can’t stand being alone. You might be so self-involved, constantly telling yourself how amazing you are to not having to face the truth and your self-doubt. You might constantly point fingers to other people because honestly, how could it be you?
There will be many excuses created for why you act the way you act. Do you think that sneaky insecurity with its shield is really gonna give up on its control that easy?
But let’s be honest and face the truth. That performance you’re giving, no matter how wonderful or amazing.. Is that really you?
So let’s take another step. Time for a more difficult conundrum. Take a deep and honest look at yourself and your behavior. What’s really you and what is the performance you’re throwing up just to hide your insecurity?
If you have any questions or need any advise; please leave a comment or contact me directly. I know it’s no easy adventure you’re starting here but trust me, it’ll be worth it.
Go to Step 3 —>